My divorce is my biggest life regret for one reason: I replicated my childhood in my children’s lives, despite how desperately I didn’t want to do so and how deeply and repeatedly I promised myself I wouldn’t.
My children have lived through a very difficult marriage. Then they lived through a very difficult separation and divorce. And now they are living in relative peace with a few crazy blips every once in a while. And this makes me so sad, because they have learned, by looking at their mom and dad, that life is better and quieter and more peaceful and healthier when marriage is not in the picture. At this point in time I have no idea how to teach them that marriage is indeed a beautiful thing, other than to tell them and point them to other couples who are doing marriage well.
But what I do hope that I have taught them is that even though divorce is horrible, God is still there. And is full of grace. And picks up the pieces. And that he didn’t just walk away from me, but, in actuality, seems to have moved even closer. That he revels in using the hard things in our lives to bring deeper beauty out of us, but also to help us reach out to others in their pain.
I hope and pray that’s what my children have seen in me the past couple of years…that though I cried a lot, and didn’t always know what my next step should be, and messed up more than I want to admit…I have reached for the hand of God and for the hands of other people who love me, and I have let him begin to put me back together so that I could help others see that their lives aren’t over.
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